Empty and new

I went out with Gideon today after biology paper.

It wasn't planned at all.. I just asked him if he will go out with me and he said okay.

He brought me to eat four fingers, some Korean fried chicken place. IT WAS SO FUCKING GOOD I SWEAR OK DONT EVEN BOTHER EATING AT ANY OTHER FRIED CHICKEN OUTLET OTHER THAN THIS. 

And he watches jamie Oliver!! And he loves gennaro!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is so important.

Then we walked around west gate.. Did some talking and yeah. 

I need to be strong and independent. I need to be less of a needy person. 

Relationships have to go two way, be it platonic or romantic.

The day I started begging was the day we were destined to fail. 

Today was such a happy day because I went to a place that was new and empty to my heart. I didn't get reminded of us. It was an entirely new place with another person. It felt so different being happy when i am so sad inside. It felt satisfying knowing that maybe I can be alone.

But until I migrate.. I'll never actually remove our memories.. Even looking at my hands makes me cry. I'll think about that time when you said my hands reminded you of a grandma's. I'll think about you because you hold them all the time. 

It's difficult to be happy and sad at the same time. But I must be. It is slowly getting better. 

I have no regrets! Days were really great and happy. Days were filled with joy and laughter. Days were beautiful with you. If I had to do it again, I would. Because we were genuinely happy, and I won't dwell on the sadness. Not all was sad. And Gideon said he believed that I am a person to remember the good things.. Which is true. Memories always seem sweeter... But in the end, the last memories are always cruel and faded.. Because time.

I'll want to be with you again, but only when it becomes a two way relationship. I'll want to be with you again, but only when we are fresh and clean like a baby's bottom, not with our souls as dark and sorrowful.