Hello.
I doubt today's blog post would be anything opinionated or even moderately funny.
But if you find humour in whatever I am going to say, then good for you. No sarcasm, really. Honestly I feel happy whenever I make people happy. But today is just not the day.
I woke up late today.
I was supposed to meet Erica and Tzesian at 9am in school.
But I woke up at 845am. But it was all right being late because it turns out that both of them were running late too. I had such a bad stomach ache on the bus ride to school and it was almost killing me so much that I had to poop using the school toilet....
So the main point for meeting both of them today (and Lucas later) was so that we had ample time to practice the song for the JC2 graduation-farewell ceremony. I really disliked the entire time I was with them. I did not dislike anyone, honestly.
You know sometimes, you just realise that this person is not the type of person you would be friends with? This was how I felt like with the both of them.
Tzesian was always side-tracking and Erica was fine with it.
But I wasn't. All I really wanted to do was to perfect the song. Only after everything was all right then I won't mind talking nonsense. Do I sound like a demanding tyrant? Maybe yes, but this is just how I feel towards people who can't focus.
And apparently Tzesian disliked me the moment I met him. Because of something I said. Well I am not mad at the fact that he was mad at me. It just gave me a new idea and realisation about how people view me and form their first impressions of me. Maybe I should change.
But then again changing is tedious. Change is good. But I don't want to lose myself.
But then who am I? If I change, am I not being what I am any more? Who am I to start with anyway? Okay I shall not get all philosophical. I shall save these thoughts for my own head. I always think about such things. About my existence. About everything. That is why I cannot be allowed to think. My thoughts fun free, wild, and fast. My thoughts bring me to new places, give me new insights. My thoughts roam around my head with every chance I have time alone.
So continuing from before that digression, we sang to two teachers and they were critiquing us. But before the whole performance Erica was so nervous. But she wasn't ridiculously nervous. Just slightly. I guess I am horrible at empathising nervousness because to me, it's just do it. So what if you suck? Erica clearly doesn't suck. She is far from being mediocre. Sometimes I just wish that people have more confidence about themselves. But who am I to wish that for others when I can't even do so for myself?
Recently people have been saying I look pretty, skinny, whatever. Compliments. Compliments that I feel I am not worthy for. But to not sound like an annoying bitch, I just say thank you with a smile indicating my awkwardness. But really, all I think is I'm not good enough. But I realised that such thoughts will just consume my soul, and there is nothing much I can do about it anyway. What shall I do then? Plastic surgery? Run more often? Wear more makeup? Comb my hair more often?
So I hardly give a fuck about my appearance any more. My hair is deranged and ugly in school but I don't care.
Girls in school are just like oh is my hair ok? oh no i have a new pimple (when bitch there ain't i cant see anything) my thighs are so fat boohoo. im so short. well to quote britney, why dont you do something???
It is all right when girls whine about such insecurities once or twice. Yes I can sympathise with you. But if you whine about such nonsense everyday then why don't you just stop? Does such whining help? N O . So spare me this misery I clearly did not sign up for.
The weather today was so blazing hot, I felt like satan just decided to sear fire all over the land. The sun was stinging my skin and the air- so humid I could hardly breathe. Cooling breezes were no where to be felt. If hell was so HOT then I would rather do a million good deeds to accumulate karma to enter a better place. I cannot emphasise how terrible the heat was today.
While waiting for the bus, Jiahui called me and asked if I could meet up with her to go to Orchard. And apparently two of her classmates were going too. I was okay with anything, because I am not particular about such things. She asked if I would like to call Givin along, and I answered no. All because it would be an odd number and I do not like making people feel left out.
But lo and behold, that might be why today was filled with fuckery. I really wished I called Givin along.
Her classmates were not friendly at all.
Or rather, they do not see any good in mixing with peasants like me. Apparently the guy is filthy rich. The girl too. The moment I met them, I already knew I won't be chatting much with them because of the first look they gave me. You might not understand what I am saying if you are extremely dumb at figuring out facial expressions.
Have I ever mentioned how much disgust I feel towards rich people who act like middle class bourgeois? No? Well I say it now.
How tasteless can anyone get.
Apparently this guy and girl went around shopping at some expensive place for food and I even saw strawberries in his little paper bag of groceries. Jiahui was telling me about how rich this person is because he bought a $1500 watch when I could hardly give a flying fuck about his financial status.
It was apparent that he was just a spoilt brat living in his own conceited world of cash. So of course I had zero interest in speaking to him (even though he was relatively good looking but honestly who gives a shit).
The girl was... I don't know. I cant read her. She's a Sagittarius. I can never read people under this sign. Ironically, I am also a Sagittarius... Which might explain my lack of self-awareness wtf.
The entire time spent at Orchard was basically a waste my my time.
Because
1. Jiahui is just a blind follower of those two. They had no idea where they wanted to go (or rather, they refused to give their opinion as I was there) and thus it was mostly a lot of pointless walking being done
2 Those two are just interested in branded nonsense and high-end stuff. Which is nothing bad, but just not what I care about.
3 I did not care and want to talk tot them. I am pretty sure the feeling's mutual.
4 The food I liked was apparently not to their liking. Well fuck your life.
5 I was so happy when I said BYE to them. Now I'm pretty sure you know how much annoyance I felt.
I tried to give a fuck. I tried okay. Quick, someone give me a medal for trying so hard.
A waste of my fucking time.
On the bright side, I walked around the entire Cineleisure and found 2 shops that carry MY SIZE AND MY STYLE OF CLOTHES. So I guess this is the only good thing today.
When I got home I realised that Gorilla still hasn't texted me yet.
Because I ignored his ass for two and a half days. This is what I get.
Withdrawal of attention from the person that has showered me with attention for every damned day.
Emotional attachment is a scary thing. All these down feelings that I never ever want anyone to ever feel. All these fusion of emotions that are just pointless in the end. All these nonsense that the human mind is capable of. I doubt that birds have to worry about the object of their affections ignoring their ass.
Did I just say object of affection? Because I highly doubt so.
I guess it's more of an attachment thing. Imagine being with someone for 10 years. Suddenly, they decide to pack their bags and leave. Forever.
This abyss that was created with their departure might be similar to what I am feeling now. How irrational and stupid, you might say. But this is just how I feel and I do not like this too.
Clearly, I never signed up for this.
Just an hour ago.. I saw that photo.
I didn't know how to and what to feel.
I clearly know he is out of range and out of bounds and out of whatever league.
Yes I don't know what is this.
Is it wrong to like two people at once?
Maybe, maybe not.
Now I finally understand the dystopia in Delirium. Such feelings... How pointless can it get.
xxx
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