v 2.0

(play this while reading if you can. This song is lovely.)

This is probably going to be a long blog post. I haven't made a proper blog post in a long while.. I miss last year. Every thing was rather rosy.
And I've decided to not delete any posts I've made, including those filled with negativity hate and sadness.
Instead I'll write down all my thoughts about the happenings and just leave it like that. I won't look back, won't feel sad and won't hate them any more.

The past month was rather horrible.

Two (or should I say, three?) of the people whom I think of fondly and cherish wildly with all the love my heart can love... abandoned me.

The first one was my childhood friend. I say childhood because we have known each other since primary school. We weren't close in primary school, but I really adored how independent she is. I envied her. She was and is, so mature in thinking. But of course some times she does things that make me go lolwtf in a good way. When I'm with her... I feel so comfortable. When we chat, it was like time was running and clocks were probably ticking at 898274917491 ticks per second. Every thing was lovely, until we quarrelled while in secondary 2 and did not speak to each other for a year.
We patched up, and things went back to normal. Some times, things were even better than before.
This relationship continued until one fine dandy day she messaged me and told me about how we have "drifted" and that she doesn't consider me as her bestie any more.She also spoke about how she has "changed" and that things won't be how it was any more.
I was devastated.
Obviously.
In my mind.. her arguments don't make sense. We have "drifted" because we don't speak or keep in contact very often. Isn't this how it always is? And things were just fine.
She said she has "changed". I know that she has changed. How can I not feel? But it didn't bother me one bit at all. Because of all these.. changes that are honestly very irrelevant as I don't see how it affects things, things have truly changed. I didn't speak to her. And I don't intend to. I don't want to hear her out, because I know exactly what she will say. Don't tell me I don't know, because I'm just going to tell you that she has been my friend for 7 over years and I DO KNOW what exactly she is going to say.
When I was beside her during her depression and stress and boy troubles... I guess all these don't mean a thing, huh? Never significant. She obviously has new friends; everyone does. Probably someone to hear her out better. Dish out better advice. Be there for her more often because they are physically close and it is just easier to be friends with people near you. But if you wanted to ditch me, do come up with better reasons. Your reasons are pathetic.
I can say without guilt that I have never ever done anything remotely bad or mean or horrible to her throughout this friendship. And now, the one who bares hurt is me.

The second (and probably third) one were my secondary school friends. I'll just name them girl a and girl b, eh? and I doubt they read my blog any more. If they do.. I don't care.
girl a and I had some wonderful times. She was my desk partner for the whole of sec 4 and it was ratchet. I never laughed so hard and so much in my life till then. We spoke on the phone everyday after school... Talking about random things. It was all so colorful and lovely and a good time.
Then I met girl b.
girl a was the mutual friend. girl b and I became fast friends. We talked and we laughed at everything.
Fast forward to J1.
I thought everything will be lovely too. But then girl a and b became really close. I felt isolated. They went out all the time and spent time together all the damn time. People even thought they were lesbians. They were insanely close and reminded me of conjoined twins. I wasn't particularly sad or happy. I was neutral actually. But deep inside of course I felt hurt. They never made any attempts to include me inside their life. But that is ok, because I honestly understood that they didn't have the obligation to.
Until one of them texted me (I forgot who).
I forgot what happened.. It was really muddy. But one of them said they speak about me all the time. I was confused. So they spoke ABOUT me to each other... Reminiscing the good ol' days together.. But they couldn't come to talk TO me? How odd.
Girl a and I quarrelled. I remember telling her how she is only friends with girl b because of convenience. I remember accusing her, saying her ego is too damn fucking big and how she can't apologise and be the one at fault for once. Then we stopped speaking to each other.
Girl b was still friends with me. We talked, but very little.
We hung out, but probably only once.
Until one day I realised that I havent seen girl a's photos on instagram. Oh, it turns out that she blocked me. OK.
Until one day (probably 2 weeks ago) I realised I havent seen girl b's photos on instagram lately. Oh turns out that she blocked me. Too.
I was confused hurt and lonely all at the same time. I understand that girl a and I are estranged, but girl b and I... Didn't we just meet up too long ago?
I assumed she was under the influence of girl a to stop speaking or associating with me anymore. I was and still and very hurt. Oh and girl b blocked me on whatsapp too. What is happening? So I sent a text. I forgot what the contents were.
5 days probably passed,and girl b asked to allow me to let her explain what happened.

girl a used girl b's phone to block me on both instagram and whatsapp.

how lovely.. right?

I never did anything horrible to girl a.. Why did she do this to me?

Until today.. I ask myself... Why?

Being angry and hurt when presented with such an explanation, I texted girl a some nasty things. I only used fuck once, mind you, and the rest were clean language.
It went along the lines of this
it shocked me how selfish you are
and i hope you live happy knowing that i am hurt and crying over this matter
lastly go fuck yourself

girl b was unhappy that I "screwed" girl a.

If pointing out to girl a that she is a selfish possessive bitch is WRONG, then i dont know what is right.
Besides, she didn't even apologise to me.
not even once.
She ignored my texts.
I also texted her some thing along the lines of if she can't handle criticism, then don't do things to warrant criticism in the first place.

When I told lisa this, she told me that I do not deserve all of this and that no one should be allowed to cause me pain in such in way. She also said that they don't have the rights to control my life with such hurt they caused.

Im crying while typing all these. I hope it's something cathartic for me to purge all these emotions. Hopefully days will be brighter, better and bolder.

Im optimistic.

jaslynnxxx


I'm sorting out all my photos now and I see so many happy photos :')
 This one especially :

Lisa said this photo shows how much I love her lol i dont know to laugh or crai halp

and thank you ode for reading this blog
I appreciate it T_T