singing

Hey 

I haven't been blogging for the past few months and honestly I don't know where to start. 

I wonder if there is anyone out there checking here time and again to see if I have posted something.. If you're reading this then I'm sorryyyyyy >~< 

These few months have been kinda.... Sad depressing and rather dull.. Or maybe I'm just focusing on the negatives. But hey it's been scientifically proven that humans dwell on sad/traumatising stuff so that we can continue to better ourselves or some thing like that (I don't know I can't remember haha but it was along these lines). I still have tons of photos an events I haven't shared with you guys. (If you're still reading lmao) 

I really lost my feelings for singing.. Until three days ago. 

Joining AJ idol.. Singing on that rather large auditorium stage.. It was fun. I wasn't scared. (Well except a little because I didn't know how to utilise stage area lol) I had Jerrold with me and I guess we did pretty well. But then... It was fun. Not exceptionally happy and warm and fuzzy inside. 

I remember the first time I participated in SYF, I didn't look at my conductor at all. I loved her, she was a beautiful woman. But being the 10 year old me, I was just fixated with the lights on me. So bright. So blinding. I tried to take a peek at the judges sitting high up at the balcony. I couldn't see anything. I remember singing not in tandem with the rest of the choir because I selfishly wanted to hear to my own voice. So I would end the note a beat later, or start two beats ahead. I still didn't understand the idea of a choir. But all I had on was a beautiful green dress and I was happy. I was happy to be on stage, singing and staring at the lights... 

I can't remember a thing about when I was 12. The SYF that year was quite unmemorable. What I do remember is singing some weird pop song. And our choir was already horrible... So this plus a pop song... My conductor got fired lmao. 

I don't know how my teacher in charge mrs lack kept having the courage to fire people tho. Honestly. 

When I was 13... That was the most memorable SYF ever. 

Honestly speaking, I knew from a young age that I wasn't tone deaf and hence could sing. 

So it was no surprise for me that I got into the SYF team. 

(This sounds horribly conceited but hey, I'm sure that you know where your talents lie. Be it dancing, doing soduku (I can't do that shit ok), playing bridge.. It's all talent. So I don't see why being aware of my ONLY talent is conceited but ok back to the story)

Mr Fong was my favourite conductor actually. He wasn't exactly close to the choir. Yet he wasn't emotionally distant. He would crack rather funny jokes and be really serious most of the time. I enjoyed my very very short time with him because he was planning to give up on the choir after this year due to payment issues. My secondary school had a bad reputation for not paying the choir conductors.. Well of fucking course because ALL the money goes into the school band. What a big big surprise.

I remember him bringing in mr... quay..? Is that how his name is supposed to be spelt? We were singing in front of him and this man was the observer. Then suddenly mr fong singled me out during break time and told mr quay that I sing well. It was the first time anyone, ANYONE ever told me that I sing well and in my heart i felt warm and fuzzy. It was approval. An approval that I didn't seek, but came. It was a very pleasant surprise. 

In all honesty.. I don't think my voice is that good anymore. Not singing for more than a year in a choir really does things to your vocal chords. My range used to be three octaves. Now it's probably 2.5 octaves. And I used to be able to do whistle notes. But if you don't train it goes away. 

I loved the songs we did for 2009 SYF. Dancing Song was so memorable, because we had so much practice and fun with it. We did so well on stage too. I was really happy and didn't care about what award we got because it was warm and fuzzy and happy. Everyone was united for that short 10minutes and it is all that matters. 

2011 SYF. I don't remember the songs we sang.. Except for one... The Japanese song. I can hum it but I don't remember. I still enjoyed singing. But I didn't feel I belonged. 

Now? 

I think it's coming back. This warm fuzzy feeling. And it's not because of other people that I love singing now, it's because of me. 

(Does that sentence make any damn sense hmm) 

One morning when I was supposed to be studying, I lazed on my bed. I searched for beyonce singing her song "halo". Her voice is god's gift. It was so beautiful.. And uncharacteristic of me, I tried to sing and record it. 

It was so nice wtf. I rarely ever say my singing sounds nice but yeah it was good. And for some reason.. Self confidence came back and I felt happy again inside. 

So.. If you're still reading and you're here.. I guess moral of this long ass kinda pointless blog post is to find back something you love. And love it well, because in times of stress and darkness it will be the only thing you'll hold on to. 

jaslynnxxx